My Loving, Chaotic Life

Growing up, I was constantly seen as a "goody-goody". I did what I was told to do. I didn't make waves with anyone. I have always been the reliable one. I'm the person that is given the responsibility because everyone knows I will get the job done.

These are fantastic qualities when done for the right reasons. What do I mean? I feel that what inspires me to be this kind of person is my desire to have everyone like me. I know that my underlying reasoning for being a "goody-goody" is so others will look at me and think favorably about me. I am so concerned with what others think that I'm willing to alter my personality to be perceived as something I'm not.

I've found in my 30 years of life that no matter hard I try I can't make everyone happy. Some people will talk about me in a negative way no matter what I do. I can be the best wife, mother, director, or writer that gives everything, and it won't matter to some people.

This bugged me at first. A lot. Like "anger with a few tears" bugged. Yes, actually tears. I know...shocking.

Then, I had this amazing revelation during my quiet time this week with a verse from Hebrews.

"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come." Hebrews 13:14

It amazes me how God can use one verse that short to change my outlook on things. My focus of this world had totally put me out of focus with what God sees in me. This worldly need of having everyone like me was absolutely ridiculous. God sees me for who I am. The kicker: He loves me just as I am.

He goes in and looks at my heart. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet, He still loves me and will always love me.

Will I still be a "goody-goody"? More than likely. However, it will be because that is what God desires me to be. From this moment, I am refusing to live my life to the standards of what others feel I should. My heart's desire is to do what God wants me to do. My focus is on His kingdom and not this temporary world.

Will people still talk negatively about me? Probably. Am I cool with that? Yep. Wanna know why? I've got God in my corner.

[B]ecause God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" Hebrews 13:5b-6

* It is 12:10 am, and I'm still awake.

* Everyone else in my house is sleeping.

* I went to a meeting last night, and no one showed up. I don't know if this means I'm just really on top of things or I missed an email stating we weren't having a meeting. I'll go with my first thought.

* I love taking millions of pictures then rarely post said pictures. I'm sure it is some lazy gene I have. I'm not sure where I got it from since everyone in my family is so stinkin' active. How did I get so lazy?

* I secretly love it when my boys run to me and specifically want me. There is nothing like hearing Luke say, "I want mommy. Hold you!"

* My perfect day would include my family, friends, a cookout, Rock Band, reading, laughing hysterically at silly stuff and a mani/pedi.

* I am so ready for summer. I can't wait to spend hours outside in the sun and taking the boys swimming. I'm also looking forward to going on several mini-trips.

* I love where I live. We have the coolest neighbors who are always wanting to be outside and hang out.

* I am super-social. I used to be a recluse, but I've been brought out of my shell and don't want to go back in.

* The boys are taking swim lessons with one of our favorite baby-sitters, and I know they are going to have a blast!

* Jack is going to a camp called "Lego Mania" this summer. He is totally freakin'. He can't wait.

* Luke is going to be jealous he doesn't get to go to the Lego camp until he realizes going to camp means no mommy. Then, he will be happy Jack is going so he can come home and play video games without anyone bossing him around.

* My favorite color is yellow even though I look hideous in yellow.

* I'm really sensitive to medicine. If I take one Tylenol PM, then I will be out for a good 8 hours.

* I have a passion for children's ministries. I love sharing God's Word with children and watching them grow closer to God.

* I have a tough exterior, but my heart breaks easily.

* I love listening to rock and alternative music really loud in Aaron's car.

* You can pretty much tell my mood by what is most popular on my...umm...Aaron's iPod.

* My oldest child actually exclaimed to me the second he walked into the house that he couldn't believe how clean the house looked. Hmm...perhaps I should start picking up more often?

* I don't like people who judge. Then, I remember there are times that I judge when I shouldn't, and we are all sinners who fall short. God has given us grace through His Son. Therefore, I should find that same kind of grace for others. It's hard, but I'm trying.

* I love my husband more than air. Although we can drive each other crazy and sometimes seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, God reminds us exactly how perfect we are for each other.

* I love hearing songs that remind me of fun times...(Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere)...

* I wish people could see my heart. I guess that would require me to bring down my defenses and soften up a bit. I would have to stop cracking jokes when I feel like crying. It would be hard to stop cracking jokes. It is my ultimate defense mechanism.

* I'm wondering how many more random ramblings I can have before 1 am.

* This is the funnest post ever. I recommend everyone do one. It is pretty relaxing to just type whatever pops up in your head. God bless stream of consciousness.

* Stream of consciousness writing aims to provide a textual equivalent to the stream of a fictional character’s consciousness. It creates the impression that the reader is eavesdropping on the flow of conscious experience in the character’s mind, gaining intimate access to their private “thoughts”. Thank you Literary Encyclopedia for that description.

* See? Not only is my blog fun but educational. You should use stream of consciousness sometime this week.

* And indubitably. Another good word of the day.

* One of my all-time favorite series, The Southern Vampire series, aka Sookie Stackhouse series (aka Sookie Sookie) actually reference a word of the day calendar in it. I wish I had one because I would so use it. If I could pronounce the word correctly. If not, then I would call up Shelley and ask her how to pronounce it. She may laugh at me, but she would totally help me out.

* Even though I wanted a little girl more than anything, I can't imagine my life without my two little boys. I am definitely a boys' momma through and through.

* Jack is so smart when it comes to figuring stuff out. He can figure out just about any video game, and his mind works in a way that is way beyond his years. Perhaps, he has "the knack".

* It frightens me how much Jack is like Aaron.

* Luke is brilliant in a completely different way than Jack. He knows how to work the system. He uses his body language and words to get exactly what he wants. This works with several people. Unfortunate for him, his mommy and daddy are in on his game.

* It frightens me how much Luke is like me.

I love when it is time for the boys to go to bed, and we sit down together for our nightly prayers. Luke is still in the early stages of praying, so he doesn't really get beyond "Tanku for my food. Amen. Amen. Amen."

Jack is really broadening his horizons when it comes to prayer. We finally got him to understand that God is listening to his prayers, and he can say more than his "favorite song" (Thank you God, thank you God, for our food...) at bedtime. Last night's prayer:

Dear God,

Thank you for my day. Thank you for my school. Thank you for the earth. Thank you for my Uncle B. Thank you for mommy and daddy. Thank you for Grandma and Pappy. Thank you for Neena and Papa. Thank you for me and Luke. Thank you for the toilet. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the lights.

Amen.

I can say that I honestly have never thought about thanking God for the toilet in all my adult life, but the kid makes a really excellent point. How often do we forget to be thankful for the small things? Can you imagine life without a toilet? *shudders*

As you go about your day, remember to thank God for something that you don't normally think about. How about the person who invented the drive-thru or the in-car dvd player? All of these conveniences of life that we take for granted were originally an idea that God whispered into someone's ear.

Luke not wanting to sit and take a picture...


Everybody is happy now!


Can you tell they're brothers?


Dad & Jack


Being silly


I love these boys!


Luke & me


Jack's Extremely Artistic Photography

"Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home." John 19:25-27

When I was 7 years old, I made my personal confession of faith to my pastor during VBS week at our church. I remember sitting in the fellowship hall and listening to this story about a man who gave up His life for me so I could spend an eternity in heaven. I understood that I was a sinner, and I believed that Jesus died on the cross for my sins.

I was baptized a few weeks later with some of my best church friends. There was an excitement about answering the pastor's questions and being dipped into the water. When I came up, I remember looking out on the congregation and seeing so many smiles. The word that really hit me was "family". This was my "family" now.

Even though I was young, I got the basics. I knew the Holy Spirit was with me. However, I was so young in my faith that I didn't get everything. Honestly, I don't think we will ever "get" everything. I think that is what makes the Bible such an amazing book. We can read a story over and over and still pull new stuff from it.

I'll be completely honest with you. I've read about the crucifixion at least 100 times. It wasn't until a few years ago that I read it again right before the Easter season that I saw something different.

I've viewed the crucifixion through another's eyes: Mary, the mother of Jesus. When I read the gospels, I saw a baby being held in a mother's arms. I saw a man leave his mother's home to complete his father's work. I saw the tears of a mother so desperate to save her son. However, she knew, perhaps not grasping everything, her son had to complete this final step at the cross.

Suddenly, the pain is real. I've seen my boys get hurt, and I feel their pain. Mary felt everything He was going through as she looked up at her son on the cross. I understand my willingness to sacrifice anything for my children to keep them from harm. As a mother, I know Mary would have taken the cross herself if that is what God had wanted.

Literally, my heart hurts when I view the scene through her eyes. To grasp an event or a concept in a much deeper way, we have to look through it in others' eyes. It is the only way we can stretch our faith and allow it to grow beyond a newbie Christian faith.

My prayer for this Good Friday is for all to take time to really dig into the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the New Testament) and experience the crucifixion through another's eyes. Perhaps Peter who denied Christ 3 times as predicted? Or Simon of Cyrene who carried the cross of our bloodied and beaten Savior?

If you aren't much of a visual reader, then watch the video below called "The Bridge". I feel it is a beautiful telling of how God may have seen the crucifixion. Perhaps through His eyes you can see how God loved us so much that He gave up His Son so that we could live...

The Bridge

"Life should not be lived, it should be celebrated." Sandra Magsamen

I found a key chain at Wal-Mart with this quote, and it stopped me in my tracks. It isn't particularly profound, but it made me re-evaluate my life for a moment. I thought to all the times I've "just lived". I remember so many times waking up in the morning thinking that all I have to do is make it through the day so I can go back to sleep.

I've been on survival mode the past couple of years. I get up, work, take care of kids, clean house and go to sleep. It was about a month ago that I told Aaron that I can't remember who I was anymore. I felt like I was just going through the motions of life. I have several titles, but I longed to remember who I was.

Last week, I got a chance to celebrate and be me. Granted, this was a version of me that is rarely shown in public. It is the completely fun and wild-child Jessica. Not the tame and responsible Mother Jessica. Going to Vegas with my bestie will always be one of the most memorable times in my life. Not as memorable as getting married, being pregnant or birthing two children. It is memorable in the sense that I found something I lost: celebrating life.

Now, I know Vegas is known as "Sin City", and I'm not in any way encouraging everybody to go to Vegas to find yourself. That isn't what this post is about at all. I didn't "find myself" in Vegas. What I did discover was how to look at life as more than something to get through. I found that life can be done in two ways: Lived or Celebrated. I chose to celebrate.

I love Ecclesiastes 3 because it makes me aware that there are times we will just live...be on survival mode...and it is ok. God is still walking with us even if we feel like we are alone.

However, we are never alone. During all the times, emotions and experiences, God is with us. Even in Vegas, God was with me. He may had shook His head a time or two, but He was with me. :)

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8